Outrages
Still More Outrages From the Mages
Dimwitted dweomers from the Misbegotten Realms
by John M. Maxstadt (with inadequate apologies to Ed Greenwood)
"It must not be supposed that all the mages of old were wise, clever, or even mentally competent," said Elkwhisker, smugly employing his endearing device of making irrelevant statements out of the blue to pique my interest. I was frankly more interested in my madeira, so I left him hanging. Lately, it's been everything from Halloween masks to pet rocks with the old boy.
He chafed for a while, then resumed all by himself. "I can sense your eagerness from the look of open-mouthed fascination on your face-"
"That's a yawn," I said quickly, but not quickly enough.
"-so I will not keep you in suspense. Nimrod of Nump, known far and wide as the greatest schlemiel in the Realms, had some glimmerings of magical talent, however mismanaged and poorly applied. History recounts some of the more spectacular blunders of this idiot savant in his lair in the Verdant Forest, subsequently known as the Verdant Desert. However, it is not generally known that he was a prolific inventor of many new spells.
"His spells were actually created by mistake, which might also be fairly said of Nimrod's entire career, not to mention the magicker himself. He had developed what he proudly called the cylindrical scroll, joined at both ends in a mystical way so that the joint disappeared into a continuous band of parchment. One side effect of this novelty was that the spells inscribed thereupon were inscribed permanently, never to disappear no matter how many times they are read aloud or copied into a spell book. A less-salutary side effect was that the words in the names of each of the spells were forced out of synchrony, so that the last words of each spell name appeared following the first words of the next, with correspondingly disastrous effects on the spells themselves.
"Several of these cylindrical scrolls still roll about on the floors of many a dungeon in the Realms, and not a few unfortunate dungeon explorers have copied these spells into their spell books or cast them directly from the scrolls. As descriptions of the spells' effects do not appear on the scrolls with the spell names and incantations, the poor sods - er, souls - can be said to have been inadequately warned, although in many cases the names of the spells themselves might have given pause to the wary.
"After Nimrod's death (the direct result of his attempt to increase the0 power of the first-level spell erase), some of these scrolls became scattered among several bands of adventurers. The survivors voluntarily brought these items together in a kind of quarantine. I myself found them in a dumpster behind the legendary House of Out, in the Kingdom of Slumdudgeon, and learned of the following dweomers."
I myself had nodded off about eight lines into the preceding. But my tape recorder was running the whole time, so I got all the details. After all, a buck is a buck.
Scroll the First (Bumfoozlels Bane)
Find Terrain (Examination/Indentation) Level: 1 Components: V,S Range: Touch CT: 2 segments Duration: Instant ST: None AE: Personal
Explanation/Description: Casting this spell enables the magic-user to locate the terrain (i.e., the ground beneath his feet). The somatic component of this spell consists of falling flat on one's face to get a closer look, doing 1-4 hp damage.
Explosive Familiar (Demolition) Level: 2 Components: V Range: 1" CT: 2 segs. Duration: Instant* ST: None AE: 2" radius * Permanent for the familiar, of course.
Explanation/Description: When this spell is cast, the spell-caster's familiar explodes, doing 1-4 hp damage to all within the area of effect (note spell range) and doing rather more damage to the familiar. Special familiars (brownies, imps, quasits, etc.) explode for 2-5 hp damage and make a nicer noise.
Invisible Runes (Circumspection) Level: 1 Components: V,S,M Range: 0 CT: 1 turn/rune Duration: Perm. ST: None AE: 5 runes/lvl.
Explanation/Description: This spell enables a magic-user to inscribe runes that are completely undetectable to all forms of normal and magical inspection (including all those available to the caster himself). The runes have no other magical powers. This is an excellent way to create really secret documents or to simply kill an afternoon without accomplishing anything. Material components for this spell include at least one potion of invisibility (for the ink) and anything else the DM can sucker the player into wasting on an effect indistinguishable from that of writing with an empty pen.
Wizard's Stalker (Self-Destruction) Level: 6 Components: V,S Range: 1 inch CT: 1 round Duration: Not long ST: None AE: Special
Explanation/Description: By casting this spell, the magic-user summons a random Level X monster (beholder, vampire wizard, lich, etc.), which proceeds to stalk, with intent to kill, the nearest wizard (note spell level and range). The somatic component of this spell consists of putting one's hands over one's eyes. If by purest chance the spell-caster survives this spell, no experience points are gained (casting this spell was stupid to begin with).
Bigby's Interposing Eye (Astigmatic) Level: 2 Components: V,S,M Range: 2" CT: 5 rounds Duration: 2 rnds./lvl. ST None AE: Special
Explanation/Description: Casting this spell causes a disembodied and sightless human eye, of normal size, to interpose itself between the spell-caster and any attacking creature. This eye is as effective as any normal eyeball in impeding onrushing and enraged monsters, although it might deter the more squeamish dungeon denizens. The material component for this spell is a human eye, and the magic-user had better have one handy before casting the spell; the ability of this dweomer to "improvise" can be attested by Mooncalf the Monocular, among others.
Remove Hand (Amputation) Level: 4 Components: V,S Range: 0 CT: 1 segment Duration: Perm. ST: None AE: Personal
Explanation/Description: When this spell is cast, one of the magic-user's hands (determine which randomly) drops off at the wrist. One drawback of this spell is the fact that the effect is not painless. Also note the spell duration and the fact that the spell is not reversible.
Audible Curse (Vociferation) Level: 2 Components: V Range: 0 CT: 1 segment Duration: Instant. ST: None AE: 10 miles
Explanation/Description: This spell allows the caster to pronounce his or her favorite four-letter word with feeling and at maximum volume. It is up to the DM to prevent characters from exercising this option without casting the spell, which will at least increase the range at which the word will be heard (drawing any number of interested wandering monsters, of course).
Hallucinatory Glamer (Affectation/Ostentation) Level: 3 Components: V,S,M Range: Touch CT: 1 round Duration: 2-12 days ST: Neg. AE: Creature touched
Explanation/Description: The recipient of this spell will seem, to those with low intelligence or less, to be a person of great wealth and notoriety. The exact effects vary with the level of the caster. At highest levels, the recipient may appear to be a female entertainer who turns over cards bearing glowing runes and points at treasure, or a black-and-white terrier who party-hops with his entourage of coquettes; at lower levels, the recipient becomes either the overly made-up wife of a disgraced high priest or a Democratic presidential candidate. Monsters typically react to this dweomer by pestering the recipient for autographs, kidnapping him or her for ransom, or writing nasty things about the recipient for local tabloids. The material components for this spell include a fake fur, a string of rhinestones, and a bottle of Grecian Formula.
Scroll the Second (Odod's Oracle)
Burning Mouth (Conflagration) Level: 1 Components: V,S,M Range: 0 CT: 1 segment Duration: Instant. ST: None AE: All creatures within range (i.e., the caster)
Explanation/Description: Similar in some ways to burning hands, this spell causes 1 hp of heat or fire damage per level of the caster, with the above limitations on range and area of effect. The material components for this spell are six jalapeno peppers, which must be eaten as the spell is cast.
Locate Hands (Confirmation) Level: 2 Components: V,S Range: 2'/lvl. CT: 2 rounds Duration: 1 rnd./lvl. ST: None AE: Special
Explanation/Description: Casting this spell enables the magic-user to find his own hands, even in the dark. Ordinarily, he will find them at the ends of his arms (one each), unless remove hand has been previously cast. In the latter case, this spell could be quite useful; however, it has a limited range and an extensive somatic component, either of which might compromise its effectiveness in finding detached hands.
Detect Object (Cerebration) Level: 1 Components: V,S,M Range: 0 CT: 3 segments Duration: Special ST: None AE: l" radius/lvl.
Explanation/Description: By means of this spell, the magic-user can detect the presence of one or more objects within the area of effect. The spell does not disclose the size, nature, or number of these objects. It lasts as long as the magic-user continues to concentrate. The material component for this spell is any object of convenient size, which must be held just above the tip of the spell-caster's nose throughout the duration of the spell.
Feign Invisibility (Delusion) Level: 1 Components: V,S,M Range: 0 CT: 1 round Duration: Special ST: Neg. AE: Personal
Explanation/Description: Casting this spell enables the magic-user to put on a really good act of being invisible. Monsters that see the spell-caster must save vs. spells; those who fail their saves are convinced that the spell-caster is in fact invisible - but that they, for some reason, are now able to see invisible creatures. The effect lasts as long as the magic-user concentrates - usually only for a short while, after which the magic-user becomes apparent again. The material component for this spell is an ostrich feather.
Drawmij's Instant Death (Extermination) Level: 8 Components: V Range: Infinite CT: 8 segments Duration: Instant. ST: None AE: Special
Explanation/Description: When this spell is cast, Drawmij, wherever he is
and whoever he is, dies. He dies immediately, without even a saving throw.
As this spell has been around for some time, it is safe to assume that
Drawmij is getting pretty sick and tired of it.
Magic Summons (Arraignment/Charge) Level: 4 Components: V,S Range: Special CT: 4 rounds Duration: Special ST: None AE: Special
Explanation/Description: This spell calls into existence an extradimensional process-server, who hands the spell-caster a summons (for any random offense possibly the murder of one Drawmij) and vanishes. If a fine of 500 gp is not paid immediately, the magic-user is teleported to an extremely strange alternate plane of existence known as night court, where he risks being sentenced to imprisonment (as per the spell) for 1-100 years.
Scroll the Third (Goophus's Grimoire)
Speak With Mud (Elocution) Level: 1 Components: V,S Range: 1"/lvl. CT: 1 segment Duration: Special ST: None AE: l" rnd./lvl.
Explanation/Description: This spell enables the magic-user to converse with normal, nonmagical mud. The mud hears everything the magic-user says and can answer audibly. Unfortunately, this spell does not endow the mud with any other magical powers (such as intelligence), so its answers are generally restricted to unedifying glugs and gurgles. The spell duration continues until the magic-user gets sick of the whole thing or shouts himself hoarse in frustration.
Charm Dead (Nec-Romantic) Level: 2 Components: V,M Range: 12" CT: 2 segments Duration: Hard to tell ST: None AE: 1 corpse/lvl.
Explanation/Description: This spell causes the spell-caster to affect the dead as if he had an 18 charisma - oh, what the heck - as if he had a 25 charisma! Either way, the effect is the same (exactly the same) on dead characters, monsters, animals, and even plants. This spell does not affect the un-dead, nor does it work in conjunction with animate dead or speak with dead, nor does it serve any other useful purpose. The material component for this spell is a drop of eau de boneyard behind each ear.
Water Plant (Precipitation/Inundation) Level: 7 Components: V,S,M Range: l" CT: 7 rounds Duration: Special ST: None AE: 1 small plant
Explanation/Description: Casting this spell calls into existence an extradimensional watering can, which functions as a conduit between the Prime Material plane and the plane of elemental Water. Water flows through the can onto a plant at a rate of one pint per segment per level of the caster (so high-level spell-casters are getting into trouble already). As it happens, Nimrod never got around to formulating the incantation to dismiss the watering can or to stop the flow of water, and no power short of a wish can divert the spout of the can from the plant it was summoned to water. The material component for this spell is one small potted plant, preferably one of little value to the caster.
Stone Breathing (Suffocation) Level: 6 Components: V,S Range: 0 CT: 6 segments Duration: 1 turn/lvl. ST: None AE: Personal
Explanation/Description: This spell endows the spell-caster with the ability to breathe solid stone. Unfortunately, it also deprives him of the ability to breathe anything else for the duration of the spell. As a result, the spell-caster is likely to be in trouble unless he casts the spell while encased in solid stone (note, however, that the spell has an extensive somatic component). It is also possible for the spell-caster to survive the duration of the spell by sucking on a pebble. However, if this continues for more turns than the caster has points of constitution, he becomes befuddled and disoriented (a condition technically referred to as becoming "stoned").
Affect Shape (Starvation) Level: 5 Components: S Range: 0 CT: None Duration: 1 wk./lvl. ST: None AE: Personal
Explanation/Description: Throughout the duration of this spell, the magic-user loses 2 lbs. per day (which can be dangerous, especially for elven wizards). However, when the spell duration is finished, the magic-user gorges himself nonstop until he has gained back twice as much weight as he lost, none of which can be lost by any means short of a wish.
Detect Normal Fires (Immolation) Level: 1 Components: V,S Range: Touch CT: 1 second Duration: Special ST: None AE: One fire
Explanation/Description: Casting this spell enables the magic-user to detect the presence of normal (nonmagical) fire (note the spell range). The somatic component for this spell is to cover the eyes, turn the head, and thrust out either hand. If both hands are full, another bodily member may be substituted at the DM's option. The verbal component (which follows the somatic) is similar to that in audible curse. The effect of this spell is considerably enhanced by coating the hand with lantern oil prior to casting; a helpful DM will no doubt suggest this.
Wall of Evil (Profanation) Level: 4 Components: V,S Range: 3" CT: 4 segments Duration: 1 turn + ST: Neg. 1 rnd./lvl. AE: Special
Explanation/Description: This spell creates a vertical wall of sheer diabolical (or demoniacal) evil, l0' square per level of the spell-caster. Paladins and other minions of good who pass through this wall must save vs. spells or feel distinctly unwelcome. Aside from the fact that no undead or creatures from the lower planes can be turned by clerics separated from them by this spell, this dweomer has no other function.
Transmute Rock to Stone (Redesignation) Reversible Level: 7 Components: V,S Range: 1"/lvl. CT: 7 rounds Duration: Perm. ST: None AE: Special
Explanation/Description: This powerful magic enables the spell-caster to turn any amount of nonmagical rock into stone. The casting time does not include the time it takes to determine whether or not the spell has taken effect, which can be considerable. The somatic component for this spell requires that the spell-caster pull his index finger out of his mouth so that his cheek makes a popping sound, then rotate the finger vertically in the air while whistling a low glissando.
Scroll the Ancient Yule-Tide Carol (Falalalala Lalalala)
Wall of Missiles (Perforation) Level: 5 Components: V,S Range: 1"/lvl. CT: 3 segments Duration: Special ST: None AE: Special
Explanation/Description: When this spell is cast, a solid wall of speeding missiles, similar to heavy crossbow quarrels, is created. The wall covers a l' square per level of the spell-caster; each l' square contains 64 missiles, which hit for 2-7 hp damage apiece. This spell would have been Nimrod's greatest (in fact, only) triumph, if he had included some way to point the missiles away from the spell-caster, or to make the spell function when there is something between the missiles and the spell-caster.
Minor Globe of Iron (Conglobation - it's a word; look it up) Level: 1 Components: V,M Range: 0 CT: 1 segment Duration: Perm. ST: None AE: One globe
Explanation/Description: This spell creates a sphere of solid iron exactly 0.175 inches in diameter that is perfectly round and smooth. The material component for this spell is a gem of at least 500 gp value. The verbal component is the second letter of the alphabet, repeated twice.
Monster Invulnerability (Exacerbation) Level: 6 Components: V Range: 3"/lvl. CT: 6 segments Duration: 5 rnds./lvl. ST: Special AE: 1 monster/lvl.
Explanation/Description: This spell causes affected monsters to be immune to all forms of magical and nonmagical attacks. Monsters gain a saving throw (whether they want it or not) equal to their adjusted reaction roll, which is rolled on 1d100. To save the reader a lengthy perusal of the Encounter Reaction table (Dungeon Masters Guide, page 63), it should be noted that this spell affects only actively hostile monsters and those that cannot save vs. spells on a roll of 26 or higher.
Fools Summoning III (Consternation/Exasperation) Level: 5 Components: V,S Range: 5" CT: 5 rounds Duration: Variable ST: None AE: Special
Explanation/Description: This spell summons three fools (i.e., NPCs with combined intelligence, wisdom, and charisma scores of less than three - among them). They tag along, asking stupid questions, telling knock-knock jokes, and otherwise making themselves obstructive and objectionable. They are immune to all forms of attack and will not go away until they are good and ready. The quickest way to get rid of these fools may be to teach them to cast some of Nimrod's other spells.
Protection From Normal Gold (Ruination) Level: 2 Components: V Range: 0 CT: 2 segments Duration: Perm. ST: None AE: Personal
Explanation/Description: When this spell is cast, it sets up a field of negative energy that repels all nonmagical gold away from the spell-caster's body to a distance of 2" per level of the spell-caster (the distance increases, therefore, as the caster advances in levels). This affects coins, jewelry, and all other nonmagical items containing gold (including electrum, which is part gold). It does not affect gold dragons, gold bugs, or any kind of gold which might be capable of harming the spell-caster, as that, obviously, would not be normal gold.
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